hamandeggs44

thank God that's over with

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 20:56:24 GMT

nothing is worse than enduring Christmas without Dave. Nothing.

okay, maybe some things are far more awful, but Christmas really does rather suck.

He was Mr. Christmas. I pale in comparison. I try as hard as I can to live up to the standards he set for the kids, but it's a struggle. I had hoped that after 4 Christmases I would have jumped that hurdle by now. The weather here has been mild, making my mood worse. In the north east it's been one snowfall after another. Dave would've loved the snow. The children would've loved it.

I'm find myself forced to reflect and to remember. Pondering my regrets. I don't want to. It's too fucking hard. I like and need being in the present - the *at this very moment*

The other night I was out alone shopping for the girls. Robert at home minding them. Everywhere I went I encountered couples shopping for their children together. I saw the old me in them. The 'us' we use to be.

fuck.

Then my stupid brother in-law felt sick, chest pain. A slew of testing revealed he had an artery 90% blocked, a stent was put in and he was home on Christmas Eve.

*Angry* doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about this. He smokes, he's LAZY (a trait that disgust me to no end in any human being), has high blood pressure, suffers from sleep apnea, is morbidly obese and eats like shit. Minus brother in-law having a tonsillectomy, it was a mirror image of what Dave underwent, but brother in-law survived.

So, screw the carols, the trees, the holly, the lights, the cards and all the hoopla. I don't wish to remember, I don't want to go there. If I had a partner who still reveled in the magic of the season, perhaps it would be easier to endure? I would seek his level and rise to the occasion.

did I change it?

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:20:15 GMT

I have severely ignored my journal. bad pat. I am hoping I have disabled LJ updating over on Facebook. Was making me nuts.

why is it

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 16:56:25 GMT

that seemingly everyone else in the world can go to a concert, or an event, sit and listen, leave and say 'oh, that was nice' and leave it at that? I go out the front door, walk into the world and have these huge life experiences. Why is it I can't, or don't, passively observe?

back story time...

In 2006 Dave and I had been watching Glenn Tilbrook's movie "One For The Road - The Story of One Man, Two Guitars and an RV." A quick look on the internet had us finding that Glenn was currently touring and was going to be nearby. Dave saw that it was an all-ages show and quickly decided that we should bring the girls - it would be their first 'rock concert.' I got quite a giggle out of the whole idea of my little family going to see Glenn. It was 20 years earlier that I had seen Squeeze in concert during the Cosi Fan Tutti Fruti Tour, what a funny turn my life has had!

ha. If I only knew how 'funny' it was all going to be.

We went to the concert and it was a wonderful experience. Welcome to Rock and Roll kids! Mary had fallen asleep in my lap after intermission and never heard Glenn's Jimi Hendrix tribute. Joanne insisted we wait by the bus and get autographs, which we did. After the concert Dave took Mary to the car, while I waited with Joanne by the bus. We had only stood there for a few minutes when a man came off the bus and told us "Glenn said it's too cold for you to wait outside, go to the lobby and wait there. He'll meet you there to sign autographs." So, we did and he did. It is a wonderful memory. A perfect night. The best family outing experience ever.

Exactly a week later, Dave died.

My first instincts, back then, was to obliterate Glenn and Squeeze music from my life. The emotions and memories were too painful. I'm still like that. Certain experiences and interest I completely associate with people in my life. If that relationship is damaged or destroyed I want to throw away everything that reminds me of that person. I no longer want to hear that song, watch that movie, go to that place. It fucking HURTS too much. I see it as picking at a scab; it's senseless. Why torture myself? I've come to realize, on this strange little journey of my life, that I have to embrace those experiences and keep them as part of me. I didn't like them or do them to please someone else and therefore could never chuck it all away. I wanted it and made it part of my being because it pleases me - makes me happy. I need to keep it and remember why I love it so much.

My memories of Glenn Tilbrook are not painful, depressing or gut-wrenching. They are beautiful. Perfect. A blessing in more ways than I think I will ever know.

Last night, I walked into the Saxon Pub in Austin, Texas to see Glenn perform. I had gone from being some stupid kid in Michigan when I had first seen him, the 2nd time a blissfully ignorant happy mom and housewife in Pennsylvania and now, this third time, a battle weary severely broken remarried widow trying her damnedest to make something out of her life. I walked in remembering my beautiful family. That perfect spring night. My happy tired children. My husband singing off-key to Squeeze cds all the way home.

Everyone else was just there to see a gig.

The Saxon Pub is a tiny bar in Austin, Texas. I walked in and found myself an up-front spot near the bar, no one in my line of sight and what seemed to be decent enough people all around me. My instincts were spot on about the people, 3 hours later I had myself a new pack of friends. The guy to my right was Mike from San Antonio. CD, sharpie, notepad and pen for set list taking - he was one of 'us.' Manchester, England dude behind me, Bill. A ex-pat Englishman now Austinite that lived a block and 1/2 away. By night's end he was hoping for an email addy and a phone number. Felt we were kindred spirits, destined to know one another. Okay, but, no, sorry pet. Englishman in Texas' married couple friends, very cool! The couple from New Orleans - awesome! They had never been to Texas before and regaled us with the story of their cab ride from hell from the Inter-Continental. Mitch from the merchandise table! My dude! My compadre! By night's end we knew each others life story and we had had 'pink sweared' which means we're buds for life.

Best thing about the Saxon Pub is that they have Newcastle Ale on tap! I really love Austin and being reminded that all of Texas is not rural settings chocked full of Philistines. As my friend Martine has urged me: go to Austin at least once a month, if not more.

Opening act was Marianne Keith. A very pretty and talented girl from California. She told us how she loved how friendly Texans are, not like Californians. Which struck me as odd, as my experience in L.A. was that everyone said 'Hi!' to you when passing in the streets. I think the difference is that Texans will chat you up; insist on a full blown conversation. Completely polar opposite from life in NY/NJ/PA where you just want to fly under everyone's radar and be left alone.

Bewitching hour had finally come and Glenn jumped up on stage!

Hair and Pants Report: Pin-striped suit, a 'Fluffers' t-shirt and a poka-dot ascot/tie loosely around his neck. Mike, next to me, remarked how impressed he was that Glenn could play guitar all night with a suit jacket on. Hair was GREAT! Short and sassy from his Mt. Kilimanjaro trek: http://www.lovehopestrength.org/site/category/news-archives/

Set list:

Black Sheep
Truth
Some Fantastic Place
Take me I'm Yours - he said this was about the first real relationship he had with a woman and that she had died from cancer several years ago. To honor her, he climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and "severely underestimated how hard it would be!"
Someone Else's Bell - great song!
Tempted
Untouchable
Hourglass - much dancing ensued in our little part of the bar
Goodbye Girl - this is where my standing-next-to-me-mate Mike had his life changing out of this world experience - Glenn called for someone to come up and play guitar with him (as finances deemed it unreasonable for the the Fluffers to join him on this tour) and Mike shot up his hand and yelled "ME!!!!" Pictures were taken, so his wife could see it really did happened and were promptly sent!
Black Coffee In Bed
If I Didn't Love You
***intermission***
Oh Well
Best of Times
Annie Get Your Gun - maniacs dancing about again aand huge sing-along
Best of Times
Hostage
Slap and Tickle
Another Nail In My Heart - dance like your life depends on it!
Jimi Hendrix time! Voodoo Child,complete with guitar playing behind his head
Still
Pulling Mussels - fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and because my Englishman friend couldn't seem to yell loud enough, he asked me to scream out fro him 'Up the Junction,' which made Glenn laugh that I had yelled so loudly! He played it :-)

We all say our goodbyes and I was talking with Mitch the merchandise guy. He encouraged me to stay with him, as Glenn would be in to sign things and talk to people. Oh, what the hell, it was already nearing midnight, might as well do the whole meet & greet too.

Glenn walked up, just like he was just another guy in the bar, not GLENN TILBROOK FRONTMAN OF SQUEEZE. Amazingly approachable and very sweet. Glenn shakes my hand and gives me a big 'oh, hello!' and (with prodding from Mitch) I tell him how "3 yrs ago we brought our daughters to see you at the Sellersville Theatre..."

I thought I was going to make him cry. I told him don't be sad! It was wonderful, perfect! Inadvertantly we had been given this amazing gift from him. It is a happy memory and one my daughters and I cherish. I got a huge HUGE HUGE hug and kiss from Glenn. We chatted some more and then parted ways.

See? Everyone else sat, listened and then headed home. Me? I had a huge life experience.

I'm glad I'm not just an observer.

20 more things that Martine forced me to do in Winnipeg

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:25:55 GMT

chew gum that taste exactly like soap - twice!
I bought candy - non chocolate candy! So not like me, but it was out of fear of the grumpy clerk at the candy shop.
drink regular, plain old coffee - no skinny latte foo-foo coffees
break out into 'Don'tcha you wish your girlfriend was a slut like me? Don'tcha?'
teach her how to speak like a Texan; in a bastardized way. The Texan drawl became all Southern and Paula Deen like. I don't think her family has forgiven me yet.
Stand outside with her when she smoked - I know I didn't have too, but it was a challenge to stand in the cold.
Went to the movies and saw 'The Invention of Lying' (ignore the professional movie reviewers - we really liked it) and it was the most I've ever paid for a movie ticket! Who knew that Winnipeg would be more expensive than the East Coast?
Poutine. Confusingly they are sold in a shop called 'New York Fries" - how is POUTINE even remotely NY like? No, I didn't eat any - was like a cardiac in a paper boat :-P
Went for this looooooooong run (because Kathleen did it when she visited) and sought refuge in McDonald's to warm up and have a soda. Then meandered into Safeway and found myself having to buy the coolest recycle shopping tote on the face of the earth, because my grocery list was expanding and I still had to walk back home. In the cold.
Googled family members
Besides having the honor of yanking the neck out that was frozen within the turkey's carcass. I was also assigned placing pickles (homemade by Gerry - excellent!) and olives in little glass dishes. Slave driver!
Did I mention she wanted me to eat Poutine?
Spent the whole day shopping with Martine as she set off every store alarm. Every store that had one that is. BTW no one cares if they go off, so shoplift away!
DRACULA! I think I too can be an understudy for Renfield.
Jann Ardenpalooza. She's cool, 'nuff said ;-)
Transformers still thrive in the Dahlke home and I need a frame for mine so it can be properly displayed.
Dear. Mr. Eaton... Dave would've loved that :-)
Why isn't George Richards Big & Tall "Guy Richarrrrds Big & Tall?" (spoken with a French accent)
I slept in the basement and was very comfortable and warm, I even had my own bathroom and didn't seem to cramp Paul's style... too much.
nearly got me to immigrate :-)

60 things I will do when I go to and come back from Winnipeg, Manitoba

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 05:55:23 GMT

1. Alarm goes off at 3am - awful to realize I've only had 2 & 1/2 hours of sleep.
2. 'tsked' by ticket agent when she notes I have arrived only 90 minutes prior to an international flight. bite me lady.
3. note the teeny size of Buddy Holly/Patsy Cline airplane
4. watch the stars in the sky fade while sun rises.
5. track star in the making - after Beatle-sque departure from plane, find I have to RUN to outer Slovenia to make connecting flight
6. Find Martine sitting on a bench in front of the Tim Horton's, just like she said she would be
7. Taken to the German Food Market to buy pickled red cabbage
8. drive through adorable neighborhood where, during the summer, residents have been known to lie down in street to prevent trucks from spraying insecticide
9. Go to the wine store to buy big honking bottle of German wine
10. Shop in Safeway, notice how similar it is to Randall's in Texas and Von's in California - same company
11. be amazed how grown Martine's son has become in 3 short years
12. coffee with Martine's brother - was a nice visit and he's a very interesting fella
13. have Greek food for my first time - this is repeated later in the week
14. wrestle out neck that was frozen within the Thanksgiving turkey
15. Facebook time, have some giggles
16. Finn collection is absolutely HUGE compared to mine
17. I don't have any Beatle stuff, other than CDs, and this is a sin
18. fall asleep watching Hockey Night in Canada - Edmonton won
19. run same route that Kathleen ran when she visited Martine. Figured if she can do it, so can I. I have no idea how far it was. It took me an hour to run.
20. communicate via wall postings on Facebook with Martine as to where I am (Safeway) and what do we need from the store.
21. the West family and friends arrive for Thanksgiving dinner - miss my misfit family
22. eat and eat and eat some more Thanksgving dinner
23. praise the glory that is Nestle's Rolo Ice Cream
24. watch & listen to Martine's other brother speak perfect German, with a Canadian accent.
25. re-read old threads on Next Exit, thumb through scrapbooks, admire Den's Christmas card and old man Neil drawing, gasp in awe of fantastic fan book of Finn Brother's European Tour Book
26. Monday spent in downtown Winnipeg - traipsing through The Forks shopping center
27. A long lunch and a waitress who knew it best to leave us alone. A good cry, lightly discuss immigration and some soul searching that was very much needed.
28. "... and I, I EAT THEM ALL!" Mwaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (what can I say? it's been drilled into our heads)
29. dodging falling snow from ledge of basilica ruins
30. remarking 'it's really warmed up some', when it is still rather cold out. My blood has thinned.
31. more internet, facebook and Finn immersion
32. upon waking and doing the math, realize that there is no way in hell I am going running in 17 degrees Fahrenheit. Snuggle under covers until she who makes the coffee is up.
33. Winner's!
34. More Greek food! 'Say Hi to your mom for us!'
35. big color this winter PURPLE. Watch for short swing jackets and sweaters.
36. by the way, Martine *WILL* give you the sweater off her back.
37. ohhh maybe we shouldn't had Gerry open that bottle of NZ wine for us... will feel like pooh following day.
38. watch Martine's mother performance on VHS - that was incredibly very cool! Lorraine is a beautiful singer!
39. Laugh and laugh and laugh.
40. my 45th birthday arrives
41. lunch with Martine and Joan at 'Sal's' - waitress and restaurant sings me happy birthday. don't want to go home - silently plot how I can get my kids up north...
42. In Canada you are given PEANUT BUTTER with your toast! GASP! I KNOW?! HOW BRILLIANT IS THAT?!
43. check suitcase to ensure that Paul has not stowed away within
44. long hard hug to the most wonderful friend and hostess!
45. customs & immigration. It's hell of a lot easier getting out of Canada than it was coming in.
46. shop for Olympic souvenirs for my monkeys
47. inexplicably find that I have the whole row of seats to myself on flight to Chicago - good birthday karma
48. mid-flight panic of a bit of realization - nothing can be done, sit back and stew on it.
49. arrive in Chicago to find that it was a damn good thing that I wore my sneakers and night my high heeled pumps. My connecting terminal seemed to be located in the adjacent state.
50. turn on phone to find it CRAMMED with birthday wishes and greetings. I feel so unworthy of such genuine care and love.
51. consume 1/2 of the worse bagel in my life, pitch it and decided to forage for more trinkets for my monkeys.
52. flight to Texas is on a BRAND NEW plane - wow, such an honor. Best is yet to come; upon gate check-in it's remarked 'ohhh, it's your birthday today!' I'm assigned bulkhead aisle seat and flight attendant gifts me with 6 mini bottles of champagne. Have had enough alcohol to last me a long while - ponder who I can re-gift these to...
53. Male flight attendant is true University of Texas fan - makes disparaging remarks about A&M Aggie fans and alumni throughout flight.
54. complete cloche I started when I left for Winnipeg.
55. just begin to doze off when we land in Austin.
56. at 11pm at night it's 80 degrees Fahrenheit - off come coat, scarf and wool sweater
57. United has lost my luggage. I don't care, fill out form and make my way to my car.
58. Arrive home to utter disaster. In my absence husband attempted to purge pantry, couldn't handle crossing paths with late wife's kitchen goods. It wasn't okay to throw away, donate or store unwanted kitchen items, but it was okay to leave it all over the house and upset me.
59. He forgot to buy cat food, which I remedy with 1am run to mini-mart :-P
60. crawl into bed and set clock alarm from 3am to 6:30am

I'd go back to Winnipeg in a heartbeat.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 06:00:38 GMT

18:57 anxious beyond belief and need for it to stop. right now. #