hamandeggs44

that seemingly everyone else in the world can go to a concert, or an event, sit and listen, leave and say 'oh, that was nice' and leave it at that? I go out the front door, walk into the world and have these huge life experiences. Why is it I can't, or don't, passively observe?

back story time...

In 2006 Dave and I had been watching Glenn Tilbrook's movie "One For The Road - The Story of One Man, Two Guitars and an RV." A quick look on the internet had us finding that Glenn was currently touring and was going to be nearby. Dave saw that it was an all-ages show and quickly decided that we should bring the girls - it would be their first 'rock concert.' I got quite a giggle out of the whole idea of my little family going to see Glenn. It was 20 years earlier that I had seen Squeeze in concert during the Cosi Fan Tutti Fruti Tour, what a funny turn my life has had!

ha. If I only knew how 'funny' it was all going to be.

We went to the concert and it was a wonderful experience. Welcome to Rock and Roll kids! Mary had fallen asleep in my lap after intermission and never heard Glenn's Jimi Hendrix tribute. Joanne insisted we wait by the bus and get autographs, which we did. After the concert Dave took Mary to the car, while I waited with Joanne by the bus. We had only stood there for a few minutes when a man came off the bus and told us "Glenn said it's too cold for you to wait outside, go to the lobby and wait there. He'll meet you there to sign autographs." So, we did and he did. It is a wonderful memory. A perfect night. The best family outing experience ever.

Exactly a week later, Dave died.

My first instincts, back then, was to obliterate Glenn and Squeeze music from my life. The emotions and memories were too painful. I'm still like that. Certain experiences and interest I completely associate with people in my life. If that relationship is damaged or destroyed I want to throw away everything that reminds me of that person. I no longer want to hear that song, watch that movie, go to that place. It fucking HURTS too much. I see it as picking at a scab; it's senseless. Why torture myself? I've come to realize, on this strange little journey of my life, that I have to embrace those experiences and keep them as part of me. I didn't like them or do them to please someone else and therefore could never chuck it all away. I wanted it and made it part of my being because it pleases me - makes me happy. I need to keep it and remember why I love it so much.

My memories of Glenn Tilbrook are not painful, depressing or gut-wrenching. They are beautiful. Perfect. A blessing in more ways than I think I will ever know.

Last night, I walked into the Saxon Pub in Austin, Texas to see Glenn perform. I had gone from being some stupid kid in Michigan when I had first seen him, the 2nd time a blissfully ignorant happy mom and housewife in Pennsylvania and now, this third time, a battle weary severely broken remarried widow trying her damnedest to make something out of her life. I walked in remembering my beautiful family. That perfect spring night. My happy tired children. My husband singing off-key to Squeeze cds all the way home.

Everyone else was just there to see a gig.

The Saxon Pub is a tiny bar in Austin, Texas. I walked in and found myself an up-front spot near the bar, no one in my line of sight and what seemed to be decent enough people all around me. My instincts were spot on about the people, 3 hours later I had myself a new pack of friends. The guy to my right was Mike from San Antonio. CD, sharpie, notepad and pen for set list taking - he was one of 'us.' Manchester, England dude behind me, Bill. A ex-pat Englishman now Austinite that lived a block and 1/2 away. By night's end he was hoping for an email addy and a phone number. Felt we were kindred spirits, destined to know one another. Okay, but, no, sorry pet. Englishman in Texas' married couple friends, very cool! The couple from New Orleans - awesome! They had never been to Texas before and regaled us with the story of their cab ride from hell from the Inter-Continental. Mitch from the merchandise table! My dude! My compadre! By night's end we knew each others life story and we had had 'pink sweared' which means we're buds for life.

Best thing about the Saxon Pub is that they have Newcastle Ale on tap! I really love Austin and being reminded that all of Texas is not rural settings chocked full of Philistines. As my friend Martine has urged me: go to Austin at least once a month, if not more.

Opening act was Marianne Keith. A very pretty and talented girl from California. She told us how she loved how friendly Texans are, not like Californians. Which struck me as odd, as my experience in L.A. was that everyone said 'Hi!' to you when passing in the streets. I think the difference is that Texans will chat you up; insist on a full blown conversation. Completely polar opposite from life in NY/NJ/PA where you just want to fly under everyone's radar and be left alone.

Bewitching hour had finally come and Glenn jumped up on stage!

Hair and Pants Report: Pin-striped suit, a 'Fluffers' t-shirt and a poka-dot ascot/tie loosely around his neck. Mike, next to me, remarked how impressed he was that Glenn could play guitar all night with a suit jacket on. Hair was GREAT! Short and sassy from his Mt. Kilimanjaro trek: http://www.lovehopestrength.org/site/category/news-archives/

Set list:

Black Sheep
Truth
Some Fantastic Place
Take me I'm Yours - he said this was about the first real relationship he had with a woman and that she had died from cancer several years ago. To honor her, he climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and "severely underestimated how hard it would be!"
Someone Else's Bell - great song!
Tempted
Untouchable
Hourglass - much dancing ensued in our little part of the bar
Goodbye Girl - this is where my standing-next-to-me-mate Mike had his life changing out of this world experience - Glenn called for someone to come up and play guitar with him (as finances deemed it unreasonable for the the Fluffers to join him on this tour) and Mike shot up his hand and yelled "ME!!!!" Pictures were taken, so his wife could see it really did happened and were promptly sent!
Black Coffee In Bed
If I Didn't Love You
***intermission***
Oh Well
Best of Times
Annie Get Your Gun - maniacs dancing about again aand huge sing-along
Best of Times
Hostage
Slap and Tickle
Another Nail In My Heart - dance like your life depends on it!
Jimi Hendrix time! Voodoo Child,complete with guitar playing behind his head
Still
Pulling Mussels - fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and because my Englishman friend couldn't seem to yell loud enough, he asked me to scream out fro him 'Up the Junction,' which made Glenn laugh that I had yelled so loudly! He played it :-)

We all say our goodbyes and I was talking with Mitch the merchandise guy. He encouraged me to stay with him, as Glenn would be in to sign things and talk to people. Oh, what the hell, it was already nearing midnight, might as well do the whole meet & greet too.

Glenn walked up, just like he was just another guy in the bar, not GLENN TILBROOK FRONTMAN OF SQUEEZE. Amazingly approachable and very sweet. Glenn shakes my hand and gives me a big 'oh, hello!' and (with prodding from Mitch) I tell him how "3 yrs ago we brought our daughters to see you at the Sellersville Theatre..."

I thought I was going to make him cry. I told him don't be sad! It was wonderful, perfect! Inadvertantly we had been given this amazing gift from him. It is a happy memory and one my daughters and I cherish. I got a huge HUGE HUGE hug and kiss from Glenn. We chatted some more and then parted ways.

See? Everyone else sat, listened and then headed home. Me? I had a huge life experience.

I'm glad I'm not just an observer.

1. chew gum that taste exactly like soap - twice!
2. I bought candy - non chocolate candy!  So not like me, but it was out of fear of the grumpy clerk at the candy shop.
3. drink regular, plain old coffee - no skinny latte foo-foo coffees
4. break out into 'Don'tcha you wish your girlfriend was a slut like me? Don'tcha?'
5. teach her how to speak like a Texan; in a bastardized way. The Texan drawl became all Southern and Paula Deen like. I don't think her family has forgiven me yet.
6. Stand outside with her when she smoked - I know I didn't have too, but it was a challenge to stand in the cold.
7. Went to the movies and saw 'The Invention of Lying' (ignore the professional movie reviewers - we really liked it) and it was the most I've ever paid for a movie ticket! Who knew that Winnipeg would be more expensive than the East Coast?
8. Poutine. Confusingly they are sold in a shop called 'New York Fries" - how is POUTINE even remotely NY like? No, I didn't eat any - was like a cardiac in a paper boat :-P
9. Went for this looooooooong run (because Kathleen did it when she visited) and sought refuge in McDonald's to warm up and have a soda. Then meandered into Safeway and found myself having to buy the coolest recycle shopping tote on the face of the earth, because my grocery list was expanding and I still had to walk back home. In the cold.
10. Googled family members
11. Besides having the honor of yanking the neck out that was frozen within the turkey's carcass. I was also assigned placing pickles (homemade by Gerry - excellent!) and olives in little glass dishes. Slave driver!
12. Did I mention she wanted me to eat Poutine?
13. Spent the whole day shopping with Martine as she set off every store alarm. Every store that had one that is. BTW no one cares if they go off, so shoplift away!
14. DRACULA!  I think I too can be an understudy for Renfield.
15. Jann Ardenpalooza. She's cool, 'nuff said ;-)
16. Transformers still thrive in the Dahlke home and I need a frame for mine so it can be properly displayed.
17. Dear. Mr. Eaton... Dave would've loved that :-)
18. Why isn't George Richards Big & Tall "Guy Richarrrrds Big & Tall?" (spoken with a French accent)
19. I slept in the basement and was very comfortable and warm, I even had my own bathroom and didn't seem to cramp Paul's style... too much.
20. nearly got me to immigrate :-)

1. Alarm goes off at 3am - awful to realize I've only had 2 & 1/2 hours of sleep.
2. 'tsked' by ticket agent when she notes I have arrived only 90 minutes prior to an international flight. bite me lady.
3. note the teeny size of Buddy Holly/Patsy Cline airplane
4. watch the stars in the sky fade while sun rises.
5. track star in the making - after Beatle-sque departure from plane, find I have to RUN to outer Slovenia to make connecting flight
6. Find Martine sitting on a bench in front of the Tim Horton's, just like she said she would be
7. Taken to the German Food Market to buy pickled red cabbage
8. drive through adorable neighborhood where, during the summer, residents have been known to lie down in street to prevent trucks from spraying insecticide
9. Go to the wine store to buy big honking bottle of German wine
10. Shop in Safeway, notice how similar it is to Randall's in Texas and Von's in California - same company
11. be amazed how grown Martine's son has become in 3 short years
12. coffee with Martine's brother - was a nice visit and he's a very interesting fella
13. have Greek food for my first time - this is repeated later in the week
14. wrestle out neck that was frozen within the Thanksgiving turkey
15. Facebook time, have some giggles
16. Finn collection is absolutely HUGE compared to mine
17. I don't have any Beatle stuff, other than CDs, and this is a sin
18. fall asleep watching Hockey Night in Canada - Edmonton won
19. run same route that Kathleen ran when she visited Martine. Figured if she can do it, so can I. I have no idea how far it was. It took me an hour to run.
20. communicate via wall postings on Facebook with Martine as to where I am (Safeway) and what do we need from the store.
21. the West family and friends arrive for Thanksgiving dinner - miss my misfit family
22. eat and eat and eat some more Thanksgving dinner
23. praise the glory that is Nestle's Rolo Ice Cream
24. watch & listen to Martine's other brother speak perfect German, with a Canadian accent.
25. re-read old threads on Next Exit, thumb through scrapbooks, admire Den's Christmas card and old man Neil drawing, gasp in awe of fantastic fan book of Finn Brother's European Tour Book
26. Monday spent in downtown Winnipeg - traipsing through The Forks shopping center
27. A long lunch and a waitress who knew it best to leave us alone. A good cry, lightly discuss immigration and some soul searching that was very much needed.
28. "... and I, I EAT THEM ALL!" Mwaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (what can I say? it's been drilled into our heads)
29. dodging falling snow from ledge of basilica ruins
30. remarking 'it's really warmed up some', when it is still rather cold out. My blood has thinned.
31. more internet, facebook and Finn immersion
32. upon waking and doing the math, realize that there is no way in hell I am going running in 17 degrees Fahrenheit. Snuggle under covers until she who makes the coffee is up.
33. Winner's!
34. More Greek food! 'Say Hi to your mom for us!'
35. big color this winter PURPLE. Watch for short swing jackets and sweaters.
36. by the way, Martine *WILL* give you the sweater off her back.
37. ohhh maybe we shouldn't had Gerry open that bottle of NZ wine for us... will feel like pooh following day.
38. watch Martine's mother performance on VHS - that was incredibly very cool! Lorraine is a beautiful singer!
39. Laugh and laugh and laugh.
40. my 45th birthday arrives
41. lunch with Martine and Joan at 'Sal's' - waitress and restaurant sings me happy birthday. don't want to go home - silently plot how I can get my kids up north...
42. In Canada you are given PEANUT BUTTER with your toast! GASP! I KNOW?! HOW BRILLIANT IS THAT?!
43. check suitcase to ensure that Paul has not stowed away within
44. long hard hug to the most wonderful friend and hostess!
45. customs & immigration. It's hell of a lot easier getting out of Canada than it was coming in.
46. shop for Olympic souvenirs for my monkeys
47. inexplicably find that I have the whole row of seats to myself on flight to Chicago - good birthday karma
48. mid-flight panic of a bit of realization - nothing can be done, sit back and stew on it.
49. arrive in Chicago to find that it was a damn good thing that I wore my sneakers and night my high heeled pumps. My connecting terminal seemed to be located in the adjacent state.
50. turn on phone to find it CRAMMED with birthday wishes and greetings. I feel so unworthy of such genuine care and love.
51. consume 1/2 of the worse bagel in my life, pitch it and decided to forage for more trinkets for my monkeys.
52. flight to Texas is on a BRAND NEW plane - wow, such an honor. Best is yet to come; upon gate check-in it's remarked 'ohhh, it's your birthday today!' I'm assigned bulkhead aisle seat and flight attendant gifts me with 6 mini bottles of champagne. Have had enough alcohol to last me a long while - ponder who I can re-gift these to...
53. Male flight attendant is true University of Texas fan - makes disparaging remarks about A&M Aggie fans and alumni throughout flight.
54. complete cloche I started when I left for Winnipeg.
55. just begin to doze off when we land in Austin.
56. at 11pm at night it's 80 degrees Fahrenheit - off come coat, scarf and wool sweater
57. United has lost my luggage. I don't care, fill out form and make my way to my car.
58. Arrive home to utter disaster. In my absence husband attempted to purge pantry, couldn't handle crossing paths with late wife's kitchen goods. It wasn't okay to throw away, donate or store unwanted kitchen items, but it was okay to leave it all over the house and upset me.
59. He forgot to buy cat food, which I remedy with 1am run to mini-mart :-P
60. crawl into bed and set clock alarm from 3am to 6:30am

I'd go back to Winnipeg in a heartbeat.

• 18:57 anxious beyond belief and need for it to stop. right now. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

I want to see that.
I want to touch that.
I want to smell that.
I want to drive that.
I want to kiss that.
I want to sing that.
I want to write that.
I want to create that.
I want to master that.
I want to hear that.
I want to taste that.
I want to drink that.
I want to say that.
I want to attempt that.
I want to play that.
I want to write that.
I want to dance that.
I want to be that.

• 09:51 9:51am & watching Livpool vs Hull. Yum soccer ;-) What to do today... #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

• 10:31 it's a stilleto heeled purple suede boots, skirt wearing kind of day #
• 15:03 @Maeve_ish but I had a cool experience in them! Walked into the minimart & 5 men standing in line all whipped around &checked me out, lol! #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

Today would've been our 13th wedding anniversary.

Instead, it's just a Monday.

What I dislike about these anniversaries and birthdays is how they remind me how much has changed and how much went terribly wrong.

I don't want to, or like to, dwell on what happened to me and the kids. I can't change anything. Lord knows I have have begged and pleaded to have Dave and our old lives back. However, I can't help but think to myself I wish I had never married Dave, the pain is too great to bear at times.

I watch my daughters and try to imagine what it's like to be them. I wonder what life is like for them. While I love with them with every single fiber of my being, I feel guilty for bring them into a life that no longer has their father in it.

Perhaps it would be better if I was alone? Didn't marry. Didn't remarry. I wouldn't have to live with this sadness and the memories of his death. I don't want to remember how I kissed and held on to him when he laid dead in the cath-lab. I hate how I can still see the lividity that had set into him. To this day I wonder how long had he been dead, before they brought me to him. The added injustice and horror that Dave's family drag us through after he had died is just insult to injury. It amplifies the pain of his death.

The repercussions of our friendship, courtship, living together and marriage all funnels down to me still being here and raising our daughters without him. It would be so much easier to be alone. It wouldn't hurt like this.

I did remarry though, eh? While I do love Robert, we both have said this is not what we had planned for ourselves. He had a plan with Terry. I had my plan with Dave. Now we struggle to mesh the two together. I know how much Robert loves and desires me, but I need him to spend time with me. I want it the way I had it with Dave. I don't think I'm ever going to have that again. He's trying. I'm trying. We're all trying. It's just that some days it's harder than others to live in the aftermath.

• 11:34 Seems I'm not alone in being alone., #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

• 23:42 For 3 mths I said I do NOT want to go to Port Royal - tells me he was going to surprise me with trip there. No! Not going! Wasn't kidding! #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

It's calmed down to a slow stew. I'll be alright. I will accept that I've learned a hard lesson and what's done is done.

On to slightly brighter notes...

My ticket for Glenn Tilbrook in concert arrived in the mail. It's all bright and shiny! Just looking at it on my bookshelf makes me happy.

I've set in motion the possibility of going to Winnipeg to visit my friend during Thanksgiving in Canada. If not mid-October, than sometime soon. I'd like for it to be during CDN Thanksgiving, as my birthday is the day after. It would be an excellent birthday present to myself. I would get to see my lovely friend and her sweet family. It would also satisfy my yearning for a proper fall. Either way, I need to do create something to look forward to.

• 07:32 Tired of being disappointed by those claiming to be friends #
• 17:06 Fuck you and the horse you rode in on! 'Ain't taking shit off of no one...' #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

I knew better and yet I played right into it! Why am I continually sucked into shit and disappointed by those I care about? WHY? You ask my opinion. Pump me for information. Get me involved and then go do the opposite of what a decent person should do! WHY? Why, if you were going to prove yourself to be such a self-centered asshole, clearly thinking only about yourself, did you drag me into it? I don't need this! What good is any of this? You're playing with fire my friend, but this time you will hurt other people in the process and they will bite you back. Fucking asshole. I hope your proud you've proven right what everyone else has said about you for years, whereas I kept giving you the benefit of the doubt, 'oh no, you've got them all wrong...'

Of course I don't have the courage to rant and rail against this person face to face. I just have to let that let it out and chalk it all up to a very harsh lesson learned. Still, it hurts like hell to be so disappointed in someone you care for.

• 00:02 How is it the widow is the emotionally healthier one in this relationship? #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

• 16:56 pleased about tomorrow &having a purpose to my day #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

• 14:07 Watching last Saturday's United vs Arsenal match #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

Yesterday morning, at 10am I sat here and thought 'well, now what? You've run, done the breakfast dishes, vacuumed the house, and have laundry going... what in the hell are you going to do with the rest of your day?'

I didn't have an answer for me.

I decided to bang out on here what has been bothering me for the past two weeks. I don't have anyone I can talk to and needed to vent in order to find solutions. In the very least put it out in the universe in hopes that my cries would be heard. Over on facebook I had said something along the lines of 'if you send up flares, you get thrown lifelines.' That's what I got, lifelines...

*I got an email from the school district asking me to come in substitute - this is HUGE! Besides generating an income, it puts me where there are people! Not only that, people I like! Something to get dressed for and adds structure to my days

*This morning a friend mentioned that Glenn Tilbrook is playing in Austin next month. I checked the date, saw that it was in a part of town I was very familiar with and it is a Friday night show. I asked Robert if I could go. Not that I needed his permission. He laughed at me that I asked; I was just trying to be polite. I am now the proud owner of a ticket for the October 24th Glenn Tilbrook show at the Saxon Pub in Austin. It's not a trip north, but it is something to look forward to.

*The friend who has been hurtful? I don't know. When she's ready, she knows where I am. It's not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon.

*goals and direction? I have to focus better. Make time for what I need to do and then I can work on what I want to do. I know I will get a handle on this if I can workout the loneliness and depression. One step at a time...

These are not major fixes, but releasing the problem that's been burdening me and the prospects of not being so alone has helped. This is what appeals to me about writing this journal. I can work things out - dissect my problems. I enjoy having a place that belongs to me for me. This place can be whatever I need it to be.

• 09:48 experiment result - 3 new followers for social networking sites. bastards. #
• 09:50 trying to focus - going rather poorly at the moment. #
• 13:53 Good news from unexpected source & lunch with husband - feel far better! #
• 23:33 Full of mexican food - won't need to eat again until monday #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

The past two weeks have been simply awful. It's an accumulation of all little things that have wadded into a big ball of anxiety...

Isolated and lonely: I am grateful the kids are back in school, however they had occupied a big part of my day and kept me distracted. Now I'm faced with days on my own again and I'm painfully reminded how alone I am. I miss my friends. I miss HAVING friends. It wasn't like I lunched and played with my friends all day long, rather it was throughout my day I encountered other human beings. Now it's absolutely no one. What makes it worse is that Robert just isn't here. If he's here for dinner 3 nights a week that would be a lot. The weekends come and he still trudges off leaving me on my own. An hour and 1/2 at 9pm is not enough.

No sense of direction: I am floundering. What am I suppose to be doing? What are my goals? Does it even matter?

No change of the season: Don't mock it. It's horrible. Autumn is my favorite time of the year and it doesn't happen in Texas. The stores are awash in plastic pumpkins, fake orange & brown leaves, scarecrows and Indian corn and I'm not buying the propaganda. It's not autumn and all the fake crap in the craft stores is going to trick me into ignoring the fact that it's 101 outside.

There other stupid things adding to my sense of going under. I am struggling with articulating it. I want to scream or cry. There's this physical pain in my chest that I need to push out and it won't go away. Last night I talked to Robert about this. I did the best I could in trying to convey what was going on with me. I told him what I needed from him is for him to be with me; occupy my time. While talking with him, I started crying. Apparently I had just about enough and need to get some of it out.

How do I fix the slightly broken me?

1. Stick to a schedule.
2. Find a job of some kind to get me out of the country and where I can interact with people.
3. Plan a future trip, even just a weekend getaway, to see friends.
4. People not being available for me is not always about me, but about them. If a friend pulls back, I haven't necessarily done something wrong, at least I hope I haven't. I need to just ride it out.
5. Remember I have been bitten by far bigger dogs and survived.

• 10:25 I want to tell you -
  My head is filled with things to say #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter